So last night I was about to close up at work and a customer looking like he was Brunswick County’s version of Malibu’s most wanted. For everyone that’s wondering, he acted just like it too. Told me “if I ride with him, we go to the hood”. Definitely his words not mine. Out of all the places in the world this fool wants me too the hood. Just for the record, I stand a better chance in “the hood” than his ass but that’s not what why I’m posting this Blah Blah Blog. One of the reasons I’m posting this is because the whole time took me to cook his cheeseburger he came back to the kitchen and told me my problem is that I needed a girl, I needed a blow job, he could make a call and get me some pussy, a girl with 3 felonies and asked if I was into that, and then proceeded to tell me that he was out celebrating winning a custody battle with a baby mama. Ummm yeah, I think I will take your advice buddy. And I had to cook his food with a straight face. Well it wasn’t exactly straight. It said Fuck You all over. I guess he just didn’t know how to read it. Another reason for this Blah Blah Blog is as much as that dude made me want to Break The Walls Down (Chris Jericho reference) I decided that I would write a Blah Blah Blog On something I really don’t want to talk about but I feel the need to anyway. It’s time to talk about my view on relationships.
First off, I don’t really have much experience in dating. I’m just a guy that’s been sitting on the sidelines all these years watching everyone play ball. Over the past couple months though I feel it’s probably for the best. I mean hell, because someone I fell for broke up with me I decided that I was going to hike the Appalachian Trail. What happens the next time I fall hard for someone and they break up with me, I go on a Walkabout in Australia, run with the bulls in Spain? Those sound pretty cool actually but honestly, I hate the feeling that I felt and still feel. I hate the fact that undeserving people get all the time in the world in relationships but me, a great guy, has to go off into the woods and find myself mainly because I didn’t feel good enough and instead of dealing with it like most people do, I chose to run. Even though that person lives 3 hours away and there isn’t anything to run from but myself. So yeah, at this point in my life I think it’s best that I continue sitting on the sidelines watching everyone play ball.
With that being said though sitting on the sidelines haven’t been all too bad. I notice things that others don’t notice or chose to ignore. Like forcing relationships out of loneliness. I see it so often where people will be in these toxic relationships and know it’s not good for them but still try to make it work. To me it’s really sad to see what people will do just so they aren’t alone. What’s even more sad is when they try to put on a front like that’s not the case. I also see people jump from relationship to relationship to hurry up and fill that emptiness because being in a relationship is better to them than being alone to some people. I get it but at the same time, I don’t see a lesson learned in that.
Truthfully I feel that we all get too caught up searching for someone else and looking to settle down that we forget to search for ourselves. This is something that I have only learned lately once I started going really hard on this AT Prep and came to the realization that if I really don’t know myself and can’t understand what I’m doing so wrong then I don’t need to be in one until I try my best to make the changes that are needed.
This is a subject that I really wanted to avoid but it would of came out at some point anyway. I know there is a reason for everything and my reason for being single all of these years is a good one and only makes me stronger. Now before I get all these posts from everyone telling me how I haven’t found the right one and all that, please just save it. I appreciate it but I have accepted the fact that I could be alone forever and that relationships just might not be for me. I don’t really know the actual statistics here but I do know that if you take every women I have dated and combined the length of all the time we dated then it wouldn’t even equal a year. Never even been told those 3 letters that mean so much to everyone.
The way I see things right now is that I feel that my purpose is greater than any relationship with any woman. It’s taken me 35 years to realize this but it’s where I’m at and it’s what I have to tell myself. I may never be a future husband or a father and as much as that may be hard to tell myself I don’t want to hold on to something that may never happen. But then again, what do I know about all of this? I’m just a guy that has to go walk in the woods and climb every mountain I can to find and get a better understanding of myself.